A friend once wrote me a cheque for $50,000 when I needed it most. I did not ask. He just handed me the cheque and said; “Will this help?” That kindness saved me from losing my farm, and he was paid back with interest within a year.
But it is not that sort of help we need when we have suffered the loss of a loved one, particularly if his/her death is sudden and even more so if he/she was murdered.
We get calls of condolence immediately, and many friends come to the funeral so we feel supported then. We have a service of some kind where we express our grief in the presence of friends and family then we all go home, the less connected put it behind them and get on with their lives.But in these extreme cases, where there are questions left over, some of criminal culpability but more important to us are the questions that arise as we revisit any action of our own that might have contributed, no matter how minor, to the situation that allowed the tragedy to happen.
That is the time we need our friends to come around, prod us into talking and to listen. Questions may need to be asked; “What is worrying you most? Do you think you should have done more/done it differently/done it sooner?” The answer in most cases should be ‘yes’ but is sometimes is denied for now, but if it is yes, the next question must be; “OK so what do you think you could have done?” That should get it started, but what then?
There is no value in saying things like; ‘You are not to blame, it would have happened anyway, he/she brought it on him/herself, it was the lifestyle he/she chose etc’. All those ready excuses will only make the guilt worse. We would like to grab onto them, but we can’t.
Friends and relatives suffer the pain of hindsight; opportunities that were not recognised at the time, words said that can never be withdrawn, appeals ignored through anger or resentment. All the real or imagined shortcomings are paraded past, newly clarified and accusing.
What is needed is an opportunity to confess all those guilty thoughts to a significant adult, someone who has the power to judge but loves us enough to understand, so the anguish and remorse can be expressed fully, with the freedom to cry, wail and blubber as many times as necessary to get it all out. But that takes time.
A good friend will call around every day if necessary, call on the phone if unable to provide a physical presence, and remind others of what is needed and even organise the team. Funerals are over in a day but grieving takes a little longer.
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thanks for this post, Stafford and I hope someone is asking those questions for you.
ReplyDeleteThanks Kylie, I was thinking of someone else when I wrote it but your comment prompted such a wave of sorrow, I guess I need absolution too.
DeleteIt's easy for us all to be wise in hindsight, Stafford, but we're all only human with all the frailties that that encompasses.
ReplyDeleteMy thoughts are with you.
Thanks Sue, I spoke about that at the funeral for all of us who did try to help over the years, and read this poem that appeared in my blog a couple of weeks ago.
DeleteHindsight.
Foresight can one’s life enrich
Lack of it, our dreams unstitch.
Ignorance, they say is bliss
But hindsight can be a cruel bitch!
I guess the point is, we all live in 'the moment', with thoughts of the past and future whirling about us. I agree with Sue J, all too often, hindsight leaves a way open for us to chastise ourselves. I can't call on you, but I can send you my very best wishes.
ReplyDeleteI heard an author talking about that on the radio yesterday and he offered the idea that if we trawl through the garbage bin of anyone's life, we are sure to come up with some rubbish.
DeleteWhen a loved one dies of unnatural causes the grieving process is very different to the normal one (which is bad enough). We rack ourselves with guilt, what if we had done this or done that ... we have to somehow take on the responsibility of our loved ones vulnerability - if only we had been stronger and more able to cope with their problems they would never have been in that situation etc. As you may have guessed Sean jumped the queue and left us all in the state of wondering how we could have prevented it - I still don't know the answer, but I've learned to live with not knowing it. A friend of mine over here lost her son in frighteningly similar circumstances to yours, you do need lots of friends around you now ... don't be too proud to let them help you through it.
ReplyDeleteIt so happens that I am alone on Heavy Metal and have been for most of the last two weeks because she can't be left on an anchor and we do not have a berth here.
DeleteIXL has a live-in job and she must be there, so the only means of contact is phone and net. Your support is really helping.
as Catholics we look to Mary ...she could not do anything about the murder of her son...but stay at the foot of the cross.
ReplyDeleteBeing a mother, watching a child of any age, die slowly in agony must be the very worst of human experiences, much worse than our current suffering, as painful as that is.
DeletePS. With a name like momto8 there was no need to identify yourself as Catholic! :-)
Friends who listen and take seriously our comments can be very helpful in such times, but ones who only share platitudes and philosophical concepts become like Job's friends in the Bible, increasing the level of pain or frustration.
ReplyDeleteI am praying for you during this time.
Thanks for the thoughts and although I am a non-believer, I still respect the power of prayer to concentrate thoughts and bring solace to those suffering. So thank you for the prayers too.
ReplyDeleteWhile not wanting to appear unconcerned but playing safe all those excuses were laid on the table. As you've rightly said it enhanced the guilt. Not just that it also brought out to the open the hypocrisy that abound. Real friends are gems that are discovered rather than made. Great thoughts,Stafford!
ReplyDeleteHank
Gems indeed! I think you are right about discovering friends, most of mine just seemed to happen. Thanks Hank!
DeleteI came back because I wanted to say; I doubt there was any hypocrisy at this funeral. At some, where 'one must be seen' offering condolence, such as one where one's absence might influence a career. At this funeral there were none of those, but some came who did not know him, but came to express their support for the survivors. It was those to whom the post was directed, to remind them that support is most needed after the initial flurry of activity when the soul searching begins.
DeleteGrief is never easy, Stafford, but it will lessen with time. But take care of yourself. Too many people overcome with grief forget that.
ReplyDeleteYou are right Bruce, there was not a lot of self care going on last week and I suddenly felt much older! But over the last few days, things are beginning to look a bit brighter.
DeleteI hope you aren't on that boat by yourself for too long! May the dolphins and seagulls provide some smiles (and there is always the phone and email) and may yee get to a berth with speed.
ReplyDeleteLast week I saw no boats or people for a few days, and this week might be a similar week. But I do feel energy returning and have a list of things to get through so IXL's boat can be returned to its berth. Then I can get into a marina near to to where she needs to be for her new job and I can spend most of my time near her.
DeleteI just wanted to say I care about you a lot, Stafford. And I have been thinking of you. Hope the spirits of the water have been looking after you xxxx
ReplyDeleteThe water spirits are always good to me, but the poor things have had mud in their eyes lately. I guess you noticed how muddy the whole harbour was on Thursday! First time I have ever seen
DeleteSailors Bay (Middle Harbour) looking the colour of a flooded creek!
I was at Mosman on Friday and it seemed the whole harbour was still a bit yucky.
Coming back here Friday night, the dinghy went through some patches of water totally covered in debris. Had to stop the motor several times to avoid damage to the prop. That must be a first for pristine Cowan Creek!
Feeling a lot better today.
Two things you said, that were so true for me. It takes time, and the "acceptance." Acceptance is so hard, especially if you are a "do something" kind of person. One who" fixes" things. Acceptance takes a lot of physical energy, even though it might seem you are just sitting, or lying around. Over time, things just seem to fall into place, as everything runs through your mind. Friends can be helpful, but on the other hand, they don't like to see you grieve. I thought things were too funny, too sad, I guess you would call it unbalanced. I did need time. After everyone left, I was afraid to go out, I was afraid I would get lost, my sister helped me, and suggested I could make a list. Something so simple, and yet so helpful. My heart goes out to you.
ReplyDeleteLast week was the lying around week, this week is the week of lists. However did you get the idea I might be a 'do something' kind of person??
DeleteMy daughter Julia and I agree that we were sent to Earth to solve all its problems. Trouble is, we often fail. And worse, we feel bad about those failures over which we could never have been expected to have control.
The list is made for this week!
I hope you will find the opportunity to wail and sob, while a good friends lets you unburden yourself, if you need to do so.
ReplyDeleteFriends are easy to come by but a real friend is one in a million.
There has been a bit of wailing and sobbing but these are the times when the differences between friends and acquaintances becomes clear. Thanks Friko.
DeleteI have been thinking about you alot this past week and worrying that you were having a very hard time. ( yeah I am a fix it and do it kinda person also )
ReplyDeleteYou have written much needed words for a lot of us. Thank you for sharing your thoughts with us- I know I will need them in the future.