Fishing: You want to fish more? Don’t worry, I’ll create more fisheries!
Mining: You don’t want to pay? Don’t worry. No tax and I’ll create endless resource access!
Business: You want to pay lower wages? Don’t worry, I’ll create a bottomless labour pool.
Climate change: It’s bunkum. Don’t worry, I’ll make sure it’s business as usual.
Mothers: Paid maternity leave? Don’t worry, I’ll pay wealthy women three grand a week for six months. Working women? 'Over my dead body'. Don’t worry, they don’t vote for me anyway.
Asylum seekers: Desperate people on leaky bloats? Don’t worry, I will personally ‘turn back the boats’ but keep the well dressed ones that come by plane.
Global economic crisis: Don’t worry. It never happened.
Broadband: You want it on the cheap? Don’t worry, I’m working on a pedal wireless version.
Policies: Trust me, I’m a grown-up. My promises are all fully costed by a bloke I paid to say it. Vote for me.
Pic. Pedal wireless. Australian outback