One act Magpie. Warning: IO rated. (idiots only).

 Scene: Office of Minnie Bannister and Henry Crun, Bridgebuilders.

SFX: Old fashioned phone rings.

Min: (picks up phone, listens) Henry! Henry! There’s a strange man on the modern type electric telephone!
Henry: I know, Min, it’s me!
Min: Um-um-um, what are you doing on the electric telephone, Buddy?
Henry: I am talking to you Min.
Min: Oh you clever Henry! Why are you talking to me on the electric telephone, Buddy?
Henry: I am talking to you on the electric telephone, Min, because I am not there.
Min: Where are you not there, Henry?
Henry: I am not there, Min, I am here.
Min: Um-um-um, but if you are here, Henry, why are you talking to me on the electric telephone?
Henry: No, Min, I am in Barton-Upon-Irwell.
Min: What are you doing in Barton-Upon-Irwell, Henry!?
Henry: Minnie, listen to me carefully. Do you remember where you hid that five pounds your grandma gave you in nineteen twenty-eight?
Min: (giggles) You know where it is, you naughty Henry, I always keep it tucked in my stockings under my knickers.
Henry : My poor Minnie! Take it out at once!
Min: Righto Buddy. I will look for it. I haven’t seen it for years!
SFX: Cupboard doors and drawers opening and closing,
Min: (mumbling) Um-um-um, I know I put it here somewhere. Um-um-um, Ah! Here it is, Buddy!
Henry: Yes, Minnie, now listen carefully. Take that five pounds and give it a bit of an airing, then bring it here at once!
Min: All right, Buddy, at once. Why do you want Grandma’s five pound note, Henry?
Henry: Minnie, we need it to buy cardboard to build a bridge, you see.
Min: Where are we building a bridge, Henry?
 Henry: We are building a bridge over the River Irwell at Barton, Minnie.
Min: I see, and what will be going over the River Irwell on our new bridge in Barton-Upon-Irwell, Buddy?
Henry: We are building a bridge so boats can cross the river, Min.
Min: Oh you clever Henry! A bridge to carry boats across a river! Why has nobody thought of that before?

SFX: Really bad discord from orchestra, which then runs from flying tomatoes and rotten eggs.
Curtain (quick!)

Fin.

Barton Swing Aqueduct. It really does carry boats across the river Irwell. Look it up. It is worth the effort.

 More plays, poems and stories at Magpie Tales.

PS. This little play will make sense to nobody, but might stir a memory in those old enough and who were so geographically placed, as to have been exposed to Spike Milligan, Peter Sellers and Harry Secombe, whose zany, lovable characters graced the airwaves in the BBC's Highly Esteemed (all leather) Goon Show! For me, the silly and unexpected is the essence of comedy and anything I write that is funny was at least inspired by a childhood addiction to the Goons, folks!
PPS: On the shores of the Eastern Atlantic and in the Dominions, 'goon' means 'silly person'. In fact what became the Goon Show was originally called Silly People.